WRITING PROMPT: After you die you find that what we think of as “life” is really a tutorial mode for a much more chaotic reality.

………………………………………….

"WELCOME, THEODORE! THIS IS VALHALLA, AND YOU’VE CLOCKED IN AT AN IMPRESSIVE LEVEL 42!"

A voice loud enough to shatter the heavens themselves sounded off from all directions, as the young man blinked his eyes, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Uhh, where am I? Who’s talking? What’s going on?!"

The scraggly looking young man with the two day old unshaven neck hair gazed around his surroundings in wonder, suddenly realizing his hand was gripping a can of beer that was no longer there.

"YOU ARE TRULY BLESSED, YOUNG MAN! YOU HAVE EXCEEDED OUR WILDEST EXPECTATIONS FOR COMPLETING THE TUTORIAL WITH SUCH RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY!"

The voice of a man screaming into a loudspeaker while thunder echoed all around made Theodore cringe as he reached up to cup his ears.

"No, seriously, what the fuck is going on? Is this some kind of practical joke?"

The booming voice faltered for a moment. "YOU… DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?!"

"No. Tell me. Also, please tone down the volume. It’s obnoxious." Theodore heard ringing in his ears as the voice finally seemed to calm down. Before him, a strange blue gateway appeared, and an old man stepped out, standing just under five feet tall. "Ah, so sorry! I assumed you knew, since most people already do. At least, the people that start out at such a high level."

"Level? Is this some kind of VR game? Did someone slip acid in my drink?" Theodore quickly glanced all around at a pure white landscape as far as the eye could see. "God, I bet I’m tripping balls."

"I am not familiar with such a euphemism. In any case, allow me to explain! As I said before this is Valhalla, the place where men and women go after they finish the tutorial level. You completed the tutorial with an incredibly high score, meaning you will receive weapons and armor worthy of your status as a mighty warrior!"

Theodore nodded slowly. "Yeah, okay. Wait, Valhalla? Doesn’t that mean I’m… dead?!" He took a step back as shock hit him in waves. "Oh… oh my god! Sarah is gone! I’ll never see her again! I won’t finish Skyrim! I…" Theodore felt his knees buckle as he crumpled to the ground. "…I’ll never see mom and dad again."

The old man cocked an eye quizzically as he stroked at his beard. "What idiocy! I should expect more brains from a combatant of such a high level! Of course you will see them later on, once they have completed their tutorial levels as well! Now stand up, you’re making a fool of yourself!"

In an instant, the old man jumped behind Theodore, planting his foot in the young man’s behind as Theodore yelped in surprise and leaped to his feet. "Ye-ouch! Cut that out, old man!"

"No time to fool around, child of the gods! It’s not often we get one so blessed as you to help us in the Never-Ending War! Come quickly, we must equip you for battle!"

The old man whistled merrily as he strode forwards with purpose and popped into his portal. Theodore stared ahead silently for a few moments until a hand reached back through, beckoning for him to enter before it disappeared back inside.

"I have no idea what’s going on, but I guess I’ve got no choice." Theodore grumbled as he quickly walked up to the portal and walked inside, keeping his eyes closed the whole time.

…

A minute later, he was standing beside that weird old man and gawking in awe at a luminous white cube that glowed with an odd ghostly light, wondering what the heck it all meant.

"I forgot to introduce m’self! The name is Muldrich, and I’m the best looking dwarf this side of the Andes!"

Theodore nodded, catching what the old man said a moment later as his eyes bulged open. "The Andes? You mean the mountain range? I thought I was in Valhalla!"

Now it was the old man’s turn to look perplexed. "Son, you say the damnedest things sometimes. Of course the Andes Mountains. What do you think Valhalla even is? It’s the real version of Earth, not that kiddie stuff you’re used to! No safeguards here, boy! Now go ahead and touch the cube. It’ll give you your starting equipment."

Theodore reached up to rub his eyes for a moment before sighing and stepping forwards. Taking both of his hands, he placed them on the cube, gasping as it suddenly began pulsing brightly. A female voice, sultry like the midnight air began to whisper in his mind.

"Hello, young adventurer. For your incredible bravery during the Tutorial, you will be outfitted with several legendary pieces of armor. You are clearly the most suited to wield them."

Theodore blinked as he spoke back to her in his mind. "Why do you guys keep saying that? I’m not some legendary warrior or anything, I’m just some loser who played video games."

"Yes, but those were not video games. Those were all tests of player ability. You always played on the highest difficulty, and died less than 5% of the time. Your completion rate for all games you played was 100%, therefore you are one of the most qualified individuals we’ve seen in centuries to wield the legendary artifacts." Her soothing voice calmed his annoyance and made him feel more comfortable.

"Okay, I guess that makes sense. So what now? What artifacts do I get?"

He asked the question and waited a short while, but the girl in the cube didn’t respond for a few moments. She seemed to be analyzing something. Finally, she replied. "First, the boots of Jörmungandr. These boots give the wearer the ability to root themselves in place and stand up against any force. Truly, the immovable object of myth."

Theodore grinned giddily as he turned to smile at Muldrich, who suddenly appeared bored. "Oh, huh. I thought they’d give you something good. That’s rather disappointing."

Theodore blinked in surprise, but was cut off before he could respond as the desirable voice spoke from within the cube again. "Next, the Helm of Han Solo, an artifact that allows one to keep their wits about them at all times. You will never need to worry about the odds with this protecting your vulnerable mind. Truly an artifact given only to the most cunning of heroes."

Theodore felt his jaw slacken.

Huh?

Muldrich’s disappointment seemed to grow even more as he grumbled to himself and sat down. "Oh I see how it is, she goes to all this trouble and gives him common garbage. For Odin’s sake, this is a farce."

For once, Theodore agreed with that assessment, but still he kept quiet.

"Now for the third legendary piece of equipment, the Flying Dutchman Armor of the Unicorn, a chestplate and gauntlet armor combo that gives you the ability to move at the speed of sound and fly high in the air. With this, your foes will never be able to land a strike on you."

Now Theodore was greatly impressed as he ooh’d and aah’d when the chestplate appeared on his body. Again though, Muldrich seemed to be even more annoyed than before. "Brilliant. Giving him shoes to root him to the ground and armor to make him move around quickly. Talk about counter intuitive."

Theodore was beginning to feel his mood worsening thanks to the doldrum vibes that Muldrich was giving off, but the woman spoke once again, this time with a hint of concern in her voice. "Ah, perhaps this was given in error. You should be much too low level for the gods to give this to you… but still, it should make the journey more interesting."

In front of Theodore, a simple metal spoon appeared. "This final gift is an ancient weapon, designed to give you the upper hand in all battles. Once wielded by The One, this spoon grants odd powers of clarity that couldn’t normally-"

The woman was interrupted as Muldrich suddenly howled in surprise, screaming at the top of his lungs. "BY THE SEVEN GODS! The spoon wielded by Neo, the most powerful of the high gods!"

Theodore blinked as he felt his eyes glaze over. "Neo… like from the Matrix? Are you kidding me? That’s just a movie."

The voice from the cube spoke again, confusion apparent in her voice. "Neo was one of the high gods. The record you watched in the Tutorial level was merely one chronicle of his many deeds."

"Oh." Theodore didn’t sound convinced, but still he plucked the spoon from midair. "Is that it, then?"

Muldrich’s eyes were filled with tears as he quickly wiped his face with his sleeve. "Truly, we are blessed! A hero wielding one of the most powerful of the ancient artifacts has appeared! With Theodore on our side, we will surely be able to crush the Californian Hordes of Angmar once and for all!"

The young man sighed as he sat down on the ground, his voice strained and weak. "Don’t call me Theodore. Everyone I know calls me Ted, from accounting."